empty days
by Allison.St
Summary: Gray has all kinda of days in his life there are happy days, sad days, bad days, hard days. And then there are empty days. They are kinda like sad days and yet different. They scare him more because he has now idea where they come from and how to handle them (I have dyslexia and am horrible at writing. Also don't have a spelling corrector at the moment, so sorry for bad grammar.
1. handeling empty days

Trigger warning For Self-harm

Also this could turn out to be yaoi in the future

On empty days.

Gray has all kinda of days in his life there are happy days, sad days, bad days, hard days. And then there are empty days. They are kinda like sad days but yet different. They scare him more because he has now idea where they come from and how to handle them.

The weather was amazing. The people around him where happy. And almost whole magnolia was filled with happiness. If there was a day to be influenced by others positivity and do something fun, it was today. And yet the ice mage felt nothing good at all. There was this empty and painful feeling in side his heart eating at him. He didn't know why our how, but he felt horrible. He wanted to scream and let all the pain out. And yet he didn't know what he was supposed to let out. These kind of days happend alot lately. Gray had spend some time trying to figure out what he actually felt and why he feld it. A couple of things came to his mind but nothing big. For starters he was doubting himself alot lately he was strong but he wasn't Erza or Natsu, so why was he needed? He wasn't a super smart kind of a person like levy or lucy. What was his use for the guild anyway. Back up?

He was loved. But not adored. At least not the way he wanted too. Juvia's love was just an illusion. It wasn't real it was a selfish crush. She projected her dream man at him. And decided to love him for something he would never be or even become. He wanted someone who looked at him like people looked at nastu. They loved him, they adored him with all off his flaws.

The fairy tail guild was one of the biggest familys he could have. And yet he felt alone. Fairy tail loved him and wanted him. But they never needed him. Not in a fight and not emotionally. If he died everyone would be sad for a while but they would move back to there old life in no time.

But those where small worries. Gray didn't understand how those thoughts where the reasons for his empty days. But he couldn't deny that these thoughts where at least the basis of them.

The empty days became more frequent, and they started to feel longer. And Gray didn't know how to Handel them. Sometimes he would feel so much pain and not know why. Sometimes he would cry on them. Sometimes he wouldn't be able to cry even if he couldn't stand the pain. Those where worst days because there was no way to take the pain a way on those days.

As time past the empty days started to become the majority of his days. People started worrying. His concentration was starting to fail him. He couldn't listen to people any more. He couldn't focus on missions anymore. He was tired he couldn't sleep but he also couldn't get out of bed. The empty days where blocking his life.

~

"so the magicial item should be hidden somewhere around here" the scarlet mage said. THe team was concentrated on the quest. Well everyone but Gray of course. Gray didn't even know what he was looking for he was just pretending to search in the hope that Erza would be mad at him. "Pff this is the most boring mission ever, I just wanted to beat some one up, when where back I'm going to beat the ice block to a pulp" "ow geez Nastu don't start a fight now the last thing I want is you and Gray fighting here" "But its been so long since I had a decent fight with the idiot. I think He lost his balls or something because lately he's been avoiding fighting with me, right ice block?" gray didn't even look at him, he didn't hear him. He was heaving an empty day. He hadn't been paying attention for a while now. But Erza did."Gray are you even here right know? Normally you be fighting with Nastu already." Gray who was still pretending to search for something didn't even turn around. Lucy Natsu and Erza where staring at him waiting for a response but none came. "ICE BLOCK!" and finally Gray turned around. "oww sorry what? Did I miss something?" "Gray are you alright? Normally you would have insulted Natsu back in your answer" "ow.. Just too tired for that now" "you've been to tired to do anything with me lately. Fighting sparring. Even laughing is to much to ask." the fire mage said with a mad and disappointed expression. And of you looked good enough you saw the worry in his eyes too.

"I'll be over soon, just a small cold or something it's nothing " the ice mage replied and after he gave his answer he started his fake search again. But with the first step he took he tripped over a random iron box . It's was just a stupid incident. But he made a bad fall. And his hand landed an the box And he cut himself on the the sharp iron edge. Gray looked at it. The blood the slowly spread on his hand. It was a strange feeling. But it was a feeling that brought a little bit of Gray back.

"are you alright" lucy asked. "yeah just a scratch." "sure, you just said you had a cold? Are you dizzy Is that why you fell." "no just tripped" he got some strange looks but everyone forget about later hours passed and the stupid magic item was found by Lucy. But at the end of the day Gray still didn't know what it was.

When Gray was finally home. He looked at the cut in his hand . The bleeding had stopped. But it's was kinda of beautiful a dark red cut a little swollen over his pale skin. It was short but just for a second it took away the empty feeling. Gray heard story's of broke people who hurt our cut themselves to feel something again. Our just for the fact that they hated themselves our there body's. Or some people did it to let a different kind of pain take over. And Gray wanted to try it. He had felt so much pain all day and he wanted to feel something else. So he made an ice blade and painting a red line on his pale wrist. He liked it for many different reasons. So he did it again and again. When he was done his normally pale arm was more red the white.

And then the feeling was over. And he cried. Until he fell asleep


	2. it's just a cut

The cutting worked. It really did. He had no idea why our how. But painting red lines on his skin seemed to be the best way to Handel the empty days. When he felt empty and sad he just used his new little coping method. It hurted in more ways then one. He even felt worse for a short period. But after that he was able to to go the guild and be the normal Gray everyone knew. He could fight and argue with Nastu. He could order a drink and pretend every thing was okay. Hell yea things were okay because the only problem there ever was where the empty days. And he found a cure for them. He was fine now he didn't need to fixed. If there was one thing Gray had to be the best at it was lying to himself. He definitely not okay, he was a bomb. He could explode every minute. But he told himself that this was okay. That everything was okay.

Gray woke up and without a second thought he started his newest morning routine. He would take shower and cut his arms open. It was the best way to cope get clean up the mess he made after. But after weeks of following his routine his arms couldn't take it anymore. The cuts where swollen and itching they where basically begging to be left alone. Every time one healed a little he would cut them open again. Gray decided to try something new. People already thought it was strange that

He stopped stripping. If he would walk around long sleeved this summer some people would get suspicious.

He made the the ice knife again. This time he made it a little longer because it was maybe more practical like that. And instead of going for the arms he cut his abdomen. It hurted more. And he liked it. He was careful not to harm himself too much. The cuts couldn't be too deep. It would be pretty awkward of he injured himself to much and wendy had to heal this mess. Well if that ever happened he would rather die then do that. He continued cutting himself until he felt like Gray fullbuster again. It took a while. And it takes longer every new day. When he was finished he left to the guild. Ready to pretend that life wasn't fucked up. He must be a good actor cause everyone believes him even himself.

Gray arrived at the guild. Erza was enjoying a strawberry cake. And Natsu was looking at him with the most intense look. Gray new that look really well. This was the look Natsu gave him when he didn't want to fight him like normal but when he needed to fight him. Gray knew well enough that they both used each other as an outlet. For a long time Natsu was his outlet. Now cutting was. But for Nastu nothing changed he still needed an outlet. And Gray was more then happy to give it to him.

"hey ice princess you've been boring long enough now! Prove me you can still put up a fight" "ow with pleasure flame brain" gray said with a grin. Erea gave them a death stare. And the boys knew that the had to take it outside. They left to the river. And started fighting with there fist. After that they started fighting with there magic. It some hours. They where insulting each other the whole time. And yet they where both so greatful for this moment. They would never admit to each other but they both knew they never hated each other. They knew they both need each other. They knew that even though it was unspoken, they where best friends. And they figthted al the time but they never thought with the intention of hurting each other.

At one point Nastu gave Gray a punch in the abdomen. Which open his new cuts. Natsu couldn't see the cuts of course. But he could see the blood the was clearly visible on his T-shirt. And stopped the fight immediately. "shit. Gray are you alright? You're bleeding. I swear I didn't mean to hit that hard." "ow it's Okay, it's just a wound that opend from mission." "maybe Wendy should take a look at it?" "sinds when do you care flame Brian we beat each other up al the time. Ist really nothing." Gray then continued then fight by punching Natsu in the face." after fighting a little longer Nastu had a lucky moment and he wanted revenge for That sudden punch. And he pushed Gray to ground and pinned him down. He was on top of Gray now and had him in his grip. "seems like I win" Gray struggled to get Nastu of him. He attempted to escape but Natsu took both of wrist and put them behind the ice mages neck. But then nastu stopped moving. "eum Nastu what's wrong?" the fire mage didn't reply and just started intense at something. It took Gray a while figure out the Natsu was probably looking at the cuts on his arms. "shit" he didn't even meant to say that out loud butt it's was just a reflex to say that when he figured out Nastu saw.

"Gray ? What the hell is that in you arms? Who did that? Did you do that?" The ice mage couldn't face him he just tried to look away. And didn't replay. Nastu didn't like it at all. He didn't like the idea of Gray doing this behind there backs and seriously didn't understand why. He decided to take advantage of his position and gray being to ashamed to look at him. Natsu raised Gray's his elbow and saw the hideous sight eff his arm full of infected cuts. Gray wanted to fight back in a reflex but he was to late. Nastu didn't even day a thing to Gray. He was silent. Gray started to snap he did not like this. He was trying to get nastu of him. He couldn't stand Natsu's schocked looks any more. But no mater how he tried he couldn't escape, he was helpless. Gray always knew Natsu was kinda holding back when they where fighting. Nastu defeated enimies he could never have faced. But he hated facing the difference in there strength at the moment. It made him feel worse the he already did. When there young they where pretty equal. But at some point Natsu got stronger. And Gray noticed that he didn't fight him a 100% anymore. But Natsu still enjoyed the fights at least. But being pinned down by Natsu like it was nothing the moment he got serious. It kinda hurted him. He didn't like being dominanted.

"I'm not. Letting you go until I get a decent explanation to what happed to your arms. Is this why you stopped stripping"?

"it's nothing Natsu just let it go."

"let it go? And let you continue this bullshit? Never. Now tell me what the hell is going on"

Gray closed his eyes. He had no idea how he was gonna save himself from this one. Was there nothing he could say so Natsu would let this go? He couldn't take this. He couldn't stop cutting.. He couldn't stand the feeling of anyone from the guild knowing either.

"Nastu let fucking go of me!"

"the tell me why ice block"

Gray kinda lost it then. His walls where broken. And instead of replaying he just started crying. "I can't" the ice mage siad with a weak voice.

"you can't what? Gray tell me what's wrong and I swear I'll help you."

"I can't take this. Please don't make things worse then they already are. Please don't tell anyone. Please." tears fell from the ravens eyes while he begged his friend's too stay silent.

Nastu didn't really know what to do. He didn't ever expected to see Gray like this. He hated seeing Gray liked this. He let go and instead of pining him down. He hugged hem really tight. He could hear Gray sobbing he could smell his fear and worries' he wanted this stop.

"it's going to be okay. I promise. If you Will talk to me when your ready. And let me in on the problem. I won't tell anyone. But I can't let you do this dangerous behavior."

Gray didn't reply he just cried in Natsu's arms and didn't let go.


	3. liability

The morning after Gray woke up from knocks on his door and Natsus voice asking to open the door. It took Gray a couple of seconds to remember the events of the day before. "Shit" he remembered how Nastu found out about his cutting and how he started crying instead of making up a cover story. He put in a t-shirt and a pants that looked clean and decided to open the door before Natsu broke it.

"good morning snowflake!"the fire mage said with a grin.

"yea good morning. What are you doing here?"

"making sure you don't stupid things. If you don't want me to get my nose in your business I can always warn the guild about about this."

"are you blackmailing me in letting you help me?" the ice mage asked with a frown.

"Well yea. So it's me our the guild but I'm not gonna ignore you ruining your life"

"fine, sinds when do you even care anyway?

The ice mage said with an other frown while he let Natsu inside his house."

"I always thought we had this unspoken agreement that we would look out for each other no matter how hard we fought" the fire mage said with a little bit of a hurt expression."

"sorry, I'm not used on people caring about my business. You want some coffee?"

Nastu didn't like coffee at all. But he liked the idea of Gray making him a coffee. He wasn't used to Gray offering him things. And it was an idea he would like to get used to

"yea. With sugar and milk"

After 2 minutes Gray gave Nastu his coffee. There was an awkward silence.

"so... Why"? The fire mage asked while awkwardly messing with is pink loks

"Why what?"

"you know the cuts..."

"oww eumm... It's hard to explain"

"I have time"

"Do I have to do this?"

"Do I have to go to the guild? " the fire mage threaded

"fine... I do it because it makes me feel better. You know? Like some times we fight to feel better. Like an outlet."

"Why do you feel Bad? I thought you where happy with us in fairy tail"

"I don't know, I'm nothing special. I'm not extremely popular. I don't even know what I am or what I'm doing here "

"you're nothing special? Your Gray fullbuster of Fairy Tail. Your my rival"

"Then tell me Natsu what would I be if I wasn't in Fairy Tail? Because being part of Fairy tail doesn't make me special. It makes me a part of a group with alot of people in it that are stronger then me. I'm not needed in Fairy tail. I am a liability. I lean on people because I need them. But they never need me back."

"you are strong and loved. Even if you don't see it Gray"

"I'm not strong enough Nastu. Someone can take my place right away. And I'm sort of loved. But people don't look the same at me as they look at you. People don't see me. They see a fairy tail member. A family member. But they don't see Gray fullbuster. They don't see me as me. And they don't love me as me. They love me as a part of fairy tail."

"Gray that's bullshit! What gave you that crazy idea?" Nastu yelled. He was losing his calm he had no idea what Gray was saying. It didn't make sense. He could see it in the ice mage eyes he wasn't gonna change his mind. That was how he saw himself. That was how he felt in Fairy Tail. He could discusses with him for the rest of the day but changing his mind seemed impossible this way. He needed to find an other way to open Gray's eyes.

"everyone gives me that idea Nastu. I see it around me all the time. The way they treat me in comparison with other people from the guild. And let's be fair how well do you even see me? I know that you don't like coffee, I offered one out of habbit but I have now idea why u accepted. But do u even know a shit about me instead of how I fight? Do you know my favorite food? Do you know our do just know different the the obvious"

"euum you like cold..?" The fire mage replied in an horrible attempt. He could see it in Gray's face that he had lost the fight. He realized that maybe it was a good thing too get to know Gray as something different then his rival. He saw Gray as his best friend but he had to admit that he didn't know Gray as his friend. "I'm sorry" Nastu said. "I didn't known that you felt that way."

Nastu was going to make it better. He was going to change Gray's mind about how everyone saw him. He was going to get know Gray as a friend now. He was going to make him happy so that he would never use a knife on himself again. Which reminded him.

"how long have u been cutting yourself?"

Gray looked surprised he didn't expect Natsu to ask him that so directly.

"eum a couple of months, I think"

The next question was one that made Gray really uncomfortable.

"Can I see it?"

"eum no!" Gray screamed Nastu crossed the line there with getting in to much in to his business"

"want me to go the guild..?" Natsu started to feel guilty about the black mail thing. But he he knew Gray needed someone to check his arms out on a daily basis to make sure that Gray didn't make make even more cuts

Gray tried to pull his sleeve up. But he was wearing a pretty thick sweater that wasn't really practical for it. He didn't want to take of his clothes. He didn't want Nastu to know that it wasn't just his arm's. But when Nastu ordered Gray to take of his sweater instead it seemed like he didn't really had a choice left. When Gray removed his sweater Nastu could see the deep cuts on his abdomen. He was shocked to see how bad this was. Gray's arms had more cuts then flesh. And the cuts on his abdomen where way to deep. The ice mage just looked ashamed at the ground. Hoping for this moment to be over. Nastu didn't say a thing he just gave the ice mage a hug. He didn't know what to do but when he saw Gray like that he just had to hug him.

After the sometime he let go and Gray put His sweater on. "I don't know how yet but I swear I will make things better for you Gray"


End file.
